I have never been to a school reunion in my home town of Rotorua. Why would I want to go and “have a good time” reminiscing about a period of my life that was sheer hell because of relentless bullying? I have been to school reunions of Andrew’s, at one such reunion a classmate was shocked and dumbfounded when he asked Andrew why a facebook friend request had been denied. “Why would I be friends with someone who bullied me?” His bully was only capable of recalling his good times, the things that he had done leaving deep emotional scars in Andrew were of no consequence to him. His conscience was clean.
Despite all the media attention given to bullying now, not one of my bullies has ever reached out to say sorry. They too must have blanked out that part of their slates and have gone on to enjoy life, along with reminiscing with friends at school reunions and even just around the bbq as they still live in the same town. I continue to struggle with friendship or even trust of my peers.
Just as the bullies have wiped their slate clean and feel confused if that part of their life is brought up, I too feel confused and uncertain when a peer is friendly or respects my opinion. Ready to defend my corner I have my shields up and phaser set to “keep back!” The prickly pear that is me confuses my peers, uncertain how to be a helpful and friendly to me given my ingrained responses.
I talked about helping my inner child to feel safe among my peers in my previous post “The Road to Recovery”. So I can be calmer, less prickly. But somehow that wasn’t enough. I was still carrying the heavy burden of my memories.
Along with the media attention to bullying have been stories of students suing their schools for failing to keep them safe. There is the current Royal Commission of Inquiry into Abuse in State Care. Victims of many prior wrong doings are seeking redress. The courts will award sums of money to victims of crimes. Where is my compensation? Does anyone even care?
Depressing questions. Uncertain or even unavailable answers. What if I did sue the Ministries of Health & Education? How many million would be enough? I have come to understand that no amount of money can lift the weight of my memories off my shoulders. No amount of money will make me any less of a prickly pear. If it comes down to it, there are so many victims that the Reserve Bank would have to print extra money for decades. And we, the many that are victims, would still be weighed down.
So no apologies, no compensation, no lottery win in recognition of what has gone before. There is only one person that can take the weight off my back and set it aside, and that person is me. Great, lets do it!
More confusion, what, how do I do this? Therein is the hard part, looking back on my life, even the current things and people that surround me. I am still “playing the victim” and searching for my “rescuer” whilst defending myself against “the perpetrator”. For those who don’t understand the significance of the last sentence, it is the roles people play in the Drama Triangle. (Google it.)
And I was trapped within its three walls, forever racing about certain of my role but confused as to why other people did not know what was expected of them. I had to learn how to step outside of the triangle. This was made more difficult because I had chosen a partner who was also trapped in the Drama Triangle. (Two drama queens, shock, horror!) So we have both had to learn how to step outside of the walls of this triangle. Though I really should have said: are still learning how to step outside of its walls.
It isn’t an easy task. But each step takes a brick or a needle off the pile on my back and the load is lightened. The baggage of my past is beginning to retreat, into my past, and stop dominating my present.
Much of what you wrote here resonates with me. 'I too feel confused and uncertain when a peer is friendly or respects my opinion.' I experience this, I am waiting for them to say, just joking. Having difficulty accepting positive feedback is still (less) difficult for me.
ReplyDeleteGiving my testimony to The Royal Commission of Inquiry into Abuse In Care, was a wonderful experience - my inner child was ecstatic, wow, grown ups with mana and standing took him seriously. I have never wanted to be a victim. I do not want to indulge in victim behaviour. Of the three people who abused me only one is still alive. There will no apology from that person. The police officer and the g.p. have died, between eight months and three years ago. I am pissed off that they will not get to hear me tell them what I think of them, I am pissed off that apologies will not be forthcoming from them. Or the medical council. The Independent (sic) police Complaints Authority are not interested in anything that happened over twelve months prior. So, rather than be eaten up with bitterness, it seems the only option I have is too accept that bad things happened, and that there will be no accounting, and that I may have to forgive them.
Something that I have trouble with occasionally, is that my inner child rails against the unfairness. Bad things were done to him (not only by the above three but by others since the age of 1 day) and he has to be the one to do yet more work in forgiving (but not forgetting). That the perpetrators are not held accountable. But I have to do this so I am not eaten up by rage. To say it is difficult would be to understatement it. Often it may take a while for the way to proceed become apparent.
Your last paragraph is true.