The Power of the narrative

The Power of the Narrative

(For those new to my blog it makes best sense if you scroll down and read "The Journey" first, "The Narrative" second, and then this post)

Through luck and my good friend Joy I found Pete Walker and his book “Complex PTSD From surviving to thriving”. I had skim read it once, when in a moment of boredom I decided to open it and start part way through at a place that felt relevant to me. I was quickly upon his chapter “The power of narrative”.

It was pleasing to read in what I have blogged so far shows I am on the road to recovery, but it was frightening to read some of what I have yet to deal with. Indeed most of his book documents areas of my life, my emotions, my relationships that are in need of further work.

Frustratingly, in some ways, the book is written for survivors of parental abuse – as the writer himself is a survivor of such abuse. Whereas I was fortunate to have good parents, not perfect parents by all means. Most of my abuse was at the hands of the medical system.

So why did I become a doctor? Somewhere along the line I learnt that when “The Doctor” said – “No. Stop!” – that command was to be obeyed. There it is, plain and simple, I became a doctor to get control back over my own body. And in the last several years I have experimented with that control by having further surgeries. Having gone through those procedures and felt better for it is probably what led to the door opening on Pandora’s box.

I now had control over my body, and my mind was screaming out for healing. At this point (as in near enough to now in real terms, not the point at which my mind was losing the plot) my insurer asked for a second psychiatrist to review me.

The encounter was an intense and challenging one, though for the larger part of me the psychological defences I developed as a child were strongly to the fore. Meaning that the present self was divorced from the real me, I went somewhere else pleasant and devoid of pain. ”I have become comfortably numb.” A line from Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” album.

Fortunately Chris (the second psychiatrist) allowed me times to be fully present and give me some of his insight. From this stemmed more foraging into Pete Walker’s book and a second book by Suzette Boon about dissociation in the face of trauma. I am learning more and more about myself and have developed the following pictogram.

"Who am I?"

Les Miserables

The Frontman

A pleasant friendly fellow who will largely be cooperative, with a tinge of hypervigilance and the defender on hand.

The frontman appears on first meeting someone, before establishing trust, and more importantly takes over in times of STRESS.

Assisting the frontman and switched on AT ALL TIMES is

HYPERVIGILANCE, monitoring always for the preprogrammed triggers that are signs of imminent PAIN.

Also assisting the frontman and switched on at all times is

THE DEFENDER, a prickly acerbic character that will start with a "back off" warning and growing from there if needed.

Someone, as yet unknown, is carrying the PAIN.

I have found my "Incredible Hulk" though I do not know him well, when he appears I dissociate and believe that I have been pleasant and direct in stating my needs.

I have now had my first glimpses of the small boy in pain and angry that no-one is listening to him.

Lastly and without doubt not the least is the REAL ME.

I am:

Friendly

Fun

Cheeky (Monkey)

Interested

Connected

Caring

Empathetic

Knowledgeable

Perfectionist

HARSH 

Inner & Outer voice

Vulnerable

Suffice it to say I continue to make progress. The journey is ongoing, my thanks to those who walk alongside me and hold my hand.