I have
realised that some information is missing or incomplete in my post: “The
Journey”. I have travelled a long way to get here and have a team of
extraordinary people helping me. So much of what I have learnt about myself
through working with these people leads me to assume and not always convey
enough information for others to understand my journey. Here, in “The Narrative”
I will try to add a bit more of an explanation.
Additionally,
in consultation with my psychiatrist, my nortriptyline is to be increased from
75mg to 100mg as there remain indicators that my pain levels are still too
high.
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I was born
on the 5th of August 1968. As stated in “The Journey” I was the
third son born to my parents with a cleft lip and palate. Cleft palates come in
just a few varieties – mine fell into the worst category being called a
bilateral cleft lip and palate. (The photo is not of me, but is an example.)
As you will
have already seen in my last post my initial surgery was delayed, I cried and
split my stitches and an irritated and rushed surgeon did a poor redo. This
resulted in my having a total of five corrective surgeries by age six. At that
time the only pain relief options were aspirin (orally) or morphine by
injection. Unfortunately I also markedly suffer from one of the side effects of
morphine, nausea and vomiting, thus necessitating further injections of
anti-emetics.
Place
yourself in a child’s mind for a moment. Are you in pain? “Yes”, rewards you
with pain in the form of an injection, often multiple injections. The pain relief
comes later. A child takes little time to learn that saying “no” is a more preferable
option – particularly if you have learnt to suppress the pain with your brain.
The
downside to my having learnt to control (or deny) the pain is that my brain was
(and still is) working hard to suppress any pain inputs and thus never received
the signal that the pain in my face had stopped. So for nearly fifty years my
brain has been tasked with stopping the pain, being hypervigilant of signs that
more pain is coming, learning my lessons at school, becoming a doctor, working
and developing my skills along with managing a team of staff with their
individual needs.
My brain
said – “Enough, I cannot do all this”. So I have stopped and am taking time to
address the things my brain no longer needs to do. I am addressing the pain. I
am addressing the hypervigilance. But this will take time.
Along the
way I also needed grommets inserted. A complication occurred that meant I lost
80% of the hearing in my right ear along with disrupting the canals that convey
information on which way your head is currently tilted. Fortunately you have a
second one on the other ear. If such a complication occurs to an adult they
usually end up suffering disabling attacks of dizziness at unpredictable times,
often resulting in their loss of employment.
Yet again,
as a child I learned to compensate and control the good versus bad inputs my
brain was responding to. So along with controlling the pain my brain learnt how
to compensate for the loss of balance signals from one side of my head along
with suppressing attacks of dizziness. I do remember most nights of my falling
asleep at this time were accompanied with a sense that I was spinning backwards
continuously.
There is
much else that has happened to me, I am uncertain what to tell you all and I don’t
wish to wallow in the muck. There was the bullying at school. Coming out as a
gay man. Having senior lecturers in medical school pull me aside in stairwells
and other out of the way places to tell me to go back in the closet or I will
have no career.
I have
fought against so much to survive. But I am a survivor and I can find my way
out of this current hell hole. The thoughts and wishes shared by my friends, many
of whom are my ex-patients, are helping bolster me up at this time and I thank
you all.
'I have fought against so much to survive. But I am a survivor and I can find my way out of this current hell hole.' The fight to be who we are can be exhausting. At times it can seem like we are the only ones confronting various 'issues' (I dislike that word in this context, need to find a more useful one), as many in society find it easier to go along with rather than put effort into making society a more fulfilling experience for all. Then every now and then we meet someone on a similar path. This is so affirming. The knowledge that we are not alone.
ReplyDelete@grindart. Thank you, I am humbled by your response
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