The Narrative

I have realised that some information is missing or incomplete in my post: “The Journey”. I have travelled a long way to get here and have a team of extraordinary people helping me. So much of what I have learnt about myself through working with these people leads me to assume and not always convey enough information for others to understand my journey. Here, in “The Narrative” I will try to add a bit more of an explanation.

Additionally, in consultation with my psychiatrist, my nortriptyline is to be increased from 75mg to 100mg as there remain indicators that my pain levels are still too high.

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I was born on the 5^th of August 1968. As stated in “The Journey” I was the third son born to my parents with a cleft lip and palate. Cleft palates come in just a few varieties – mine fell into the worst category being called a bilateral cleft lip and palate. (The photo is not of me, but is an example.)

As you will have already seen in my last post my initial surgery was delayed, I cried and split my stitches and an irritated and rushed surgeon did a poor redo. This resulted in my having a total of five corrective surgeries by age six. At that time the only pain relief options were aspirin (orally) or morphine by injection. Unfortunately I also markedly suffer from one of the side effects of morphine, nausea and vomiting, thus necessitating further injections of anti-emetics.

Place yourself in a child’s mind for a moment. Are you in pain? “Yes”, rewards you with pain in the form of an injection, often multiple injections. The pain relief comes later. A child takes little time to learn that saying “no” is a more preferable option – particularly if you have learnt to suppress the pain with your brain.

The downside to my having learnt to control (or deny) the pain is that my brain was (and still is) working hard to suppress any pain inputs and thus never received the signal that the pain in my face had stopped. So for nearly fifty years my brain has been tasked with stopping the pain, being hypervigilant of signs that more pain is coming, learning my lessons at school, becoming a doctor, working and developing my skills along with managing a team of staff with their individual needs.

My brain said – “Enough, I cannot do all this”. So I have stopped and am taking time to address the things my brain no longer needs to do. I am addressing the pain. I am addressing the hypervigilance. But this will take time.

Along the way I also needed grommets inserted. A complication occurred that meant I lost 80% of the hearing in my right ear along with disrupting the canals that convey information on which way your head is currently tilted. Fortunately you have a second one on the other ear. If such a complication occurs to an adult they usually end up suffering disabling attacks of dizziness at unpredictable times, often resulting in their loss of employment.

Yet again, as a child I learned to compensate and control the good versus bad inputs my brain was responding to. So along with controlling the pain my brain learnt how to compensate for the loss of balance signals from one side of my head along with suppressing attacks of dizziness. I do remember most nights of my falling asleep at this time were accompanied with a sense that I was spinning backwards continuously.

There is much else that has happened to me, I am uncertain what to tell you all and I don’t wish to wallow in the muck. There was the bullying at school. Coming out as a gay man. Having senior lecturers in medical school pull me aside in stairwells and other out of the way places to tell me to go back in the closet or I will have no career.

I have fought against so much to survive. But I am a survivor and I can find my way out of this current hell hole. The thoughts and wishes shared by my friends, many of whom are my ex-patients, are helping bolster me up at this time and I thank you all.