My road to recovery has taken a surprising turn. Today is 30 days sober, the longest time I have been without alcohol in over ten years. Without alcohol I have better symptom control, reduced side-effects from my medications and most importantly a sense of optimism for my future. Two posts ago I talked about my inner child and it is the greater awareness of, and therefore better management of, the needs of my inner child that have allowed my detox to be successful.
A medical detox was first proposed back in January, my inner child fended off this dracula-like proposal and firmly shelved it (picture if you will my hissing and spitting whilst making the sign of the cross). Fortunately after the move to TomorataI needed to find a new yoga class, which I did. The class is held in a small studio on the property of a yoga teacher in Matakana, and I attend the Friday morning class. How does yoga relate to a detox? What tangent have I traversed so quickly? It all relates to my time as a school child.
A time in which I was heavily bullied and the only escape from this was by being "the teacher's pet" and getting extra privileges that kept me safe from the bullies (some of the time). My progress in the new form of yoga taught by my teacher in Matakana quickly saw me believe I was the teacher's pet, with plenty of praise and the teacher instructing others to simply follow my lead. Then came the corrections to my form and I fell from my self constructed pedestal. My inner child had an utter tantrum.
The insights of myself, aided by my exercise physiologist and my psychotherapist, saw me understand and provide comfort to my inner child. I had a new mantra to repeat to myself during my yoga class: "I am here, not perfect, and safe amongst my peers." I started to use this mantra with increasing success. So how does this relate to the detox? I had realised that I was doing damage to my teeth and that fixing this damage would require me to face more pain. There would be simply no point in doing this if I was unable to abstain from alcohol.
And entering a detox centre would require me to feel safe, not perfect, amongst my peers. There were protracted discussions amongst those involved in my care before it was agreed that I should go to the "Zen detox retreat" in Kumeu. I visited one Sunday, returned on the Tuesday for an admission assessment following which they began planning for my admission and detox. Mid October I received the call to come in on the Monday following. The detox side of the admission went surprisingly quickly and well with minimal additional medication required.
The psychosocial part of my detox was a bit of a roller coaster, but at each trough with the aid of the Zen staff I was able to see my part in the unfolding drama. My growth across multiple aspects of my personality was pleasing to me and the staff. They normally plan for a 4 week detox and felt the suggested two week plan (from my psychotherapist and psychiatrist) would not be sufficient. However, on the 9th day I was presented with my exit planning booklet. An omen of good portents. (A tautology of tremendous things :)
So here I am, at day 30 sober, and planning a return to work programme. There is much to be negotiated with the local medical practice, the medical council, and the college of GPs. Whatever shape my programme takes it will require small, slow and careful steps for this to be successful. Watch this space.
