Greetings all. For those who are new to my blog it makes best sense to read the posts in chronological order - that is start at the bottom and work your way up.
In my last blog entry I had a diagram of the different parts of me. Slowly through therapy I have worked out there are only three parts to me.
The Frontman - calm, considerate, polite. Appears in times of stress when the relationship with those around me is valued. I can be seething with anger, or have a massive adrenaline rush in stress, but the people around me cannot see this.
The real me, the state I am in most of the time.
My Inner Child - raging in pain and in anger. My Inner Child appears when I do not place any value in the relationships of those around me. After my inner child has finished my memory of the event is sanitised. I think I have been calm and reasonable in stating my needs but word has reached me on a few occasions that there are people who are terrified of me.
When I am triggered in my PTSD I sink into my Inner Child, into the pit of terror and fear. I have been working with my therapists on better ways to support my Inner Child so that the time I spend triggered is shorter. And with practice I am managing this better and better. We have tried different ways of relating to my inner child and it was only last week that I realised the best "person" to make my Inner Child feel safe, supported, acknowledged is "Dr Roy".
Yes, the skills I learnt as a doctor that enabled me to calm and gain the trust of traumatised children are the skills I need to bring to the fore when my Inner Child needs attention. This new way of relating to my Inner Child has brought me to a calmer place. The world feels less threatening now.
However, during this time I have also been monitoring my pulse and blood pressure as it has become clear that my BP is not fully controlled by my current meds. This has lead me to discover that I am running on adrenaline near to 100% of the time that I am awake and functioning. So while I feel calmer inside my threat systems are still on DEFCON 1.
This may also explain my expansive memory. Memories are "laid down" better when there is excess adrenaline in the system. So I have been running high on adrenaline for most of my life.
Besides the different parts of me are also the "scripts" I was taught as a child. So for any medical related appointment I am well groomed, well attired, well behaved and on time. This has led to most of my therapists perceiving me as higher functioning than I truly am. So I have begun to experiment with going off script. This caused my inner critic to get quite upset, angry, harsh. The first attempt went well. I was even unintentionally late, I parked and without self criticism I did not run or walk fast but went at a measured pace with my anxiety rising as I got closer.
That psychotherapy session and the next few after were spent exploring ways of going off script with my psychiatrists, my inner critic was quite clear that there was no way I could do that. In the end I did manage to go completely off script, with less anxiety each time.
And now Andrew along with one of my psychiatrists have thrown me a conundrum. Stay in Auckland, or move up Matakana way. We already have two properties we will be viewing at the end of this week. Whilst I have been house sitting in Matakana, both Andrew and my psychiatrist have noticed how calmer and more relaxed and even happy I am. Auckland is a never ending supply of noise stress but I am unsure about the possibility of moving.
